Friday, August 28, 2009

A new look at productivity

On a normal day, I am all about "the lists". I am not the type to actually write the lists down, I just have multiple lists that are in my head (on pretty paper, mind you) to which I add project upon project, activity upon activity, asking of myself more than 3 people could accomplish in any given day. The lists are filled with things that I think must be done, things that I want to do, things that won't ever get done and things that I dream about doing. I am essentially a slave to producing visible, quantifiable results. Over the past few days, I have not been able to accomplish any of the things on my typical lists. I haven't done any laundry, haven't cleaned a single toilet, haven't sewn or painted anything, haven't gone anywhere, haven't organized anything, haven't put anything away. However, what I HAVE done has still fulfilled me. I have played a computer game with Michael, I've gotten hugs and kisses from my kids because I was sitting down, I have helped Marky with her math homework, I have listened to many dramatically told stories from Meredith, I have snuggled with Michael and Maddie, I watched a movie with Meredith, I was able to sit and listen to the kids tell about their friends and their teachers. Sadly, these things never make it to the lists in my head. I have realized that I have been selling myself so short on what is truly enjoyable and important. Not that I don't ever do these things, I just never make them priorities. I listen impatiently, I snuggle for just a second, I am always too busy to help with homework, I never sit on the couch and watch a movie with the kids, I am constantly on the go, driven to accomplish necessary but not life giving tasks, all the while missing out on so much. I have been deceived into thinking that I am doing important things, when truly the most important things are being overlooked or done half-way. The truth of the matter is that the other stuff doesn't really matter as much, and it will get done even if I take the time out to just be with my family. Since I have had the misfortune (or fortune!) to have to be still and think about all of this over the past few days, I am determined to make a change. I need to change. Our home and my family deserve the best from me and I haven't been giving them that, even though I have fooled myself into thinking that I do. I'm looking forward to the changes that this foot injury has made me think about. I hope to become a slave to loving and being there for my family rather than a slave to my list. I know that the reward is going to be sweet. I've tasted it over the past few days, and it has been decadent.

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