We're supposed to get snow this afternoon and evening. It's supposed to come down hard and cover our warmish, brown, wintery ground. Three out of the four short people in my house are hoping for a snow day; the fourth not so much. She is worried that if the snow flies as promised, she will miss her pajama day. I don't know who to root for!!
Isn't it all about expectation and perspective? I base my hopes on circumstances that seem pleasant one day, and then change the next. I live for the completion of a project or the breaking of a habit, only to find that weeks later, it's no longer such a big deal. My heart breaks over and over at the silence where there once was noise; acceptance moves in to take the place of grief and eventually, I'm okay. I have been basking in the "being okay" lately. It has been freeing not to feel the pain of what once had me by the throat. What I really need to remind myself is that eventually, I "get there". Whether it is through the grace of time, prayer, diversion, or forgetting, I arrive at a place where it all evens out. It's the ebb and flow of accepting and trying and hoping and wanting. A place where the hurt diffuses and acceptance shows up. Pure desires, motives without manipulation and even though it comes up short, it's right and good. Is it bad for my kids to hope for a snow day? Is it awful for the one to desire her pajama day more than she wants a day off? Nope - it's hope that keeps us moving. Expectation that forces us into the next day. Wishing, wanting - it's part of LIVING.
The temperature of my emotions, how badly something hurts or helps, is measured sometimes by productivity, other times by stillness. Over the years, I have distracted myself into believing that I didn't really care when actually, I really DID care. I have stomped out hope and in turn, stomped out life. I thought I was fooling my heart but I was quite mistaken. This heart hasn't been fooled,but it has been freed. It has hurt and it has bled, and now, it is time to... MOVE ON. Sometimes, I lose perspective on a situation because of my own short-sighted ness. Other times, I actually need to change the channel on a situation in order for the perspective to gain clarity. I desire an outcome that I cannot control yet must accept. This has been a difficult challenge for me. Challenging, and a necessary step towards growth.
In my own rosey outlook kind of way, I am frustrated when my expectations are continually disappointed and I foolishly think that I can "fix" things. However, acceptance of NOW has moved in and I'm going to let it stay; rent free, permanent residence. I'm evicting doubt, sadness and self-pity. I'm choosing to embrace the freedom that accompanies the truth that has set me free.