Friday, December 30, 2011

It started out as a "get away"  As in - I want to get away from home and stay away until home looks like it should.  Home is all 6 if us there.  All 4 of my children, HOME,  right where they belong.  But... for a few days, where they belong is not where they are.   They are away and SO... My sweet Patrick planned a tritp to take the "rest of us" out of town so what we could be away from what is normal as well.  He wanted to take us somewhere new, where we could experience fun hikes, beautiful scenery, and continue the collection of stamps in our passport books. Also take us to a place that would distract this mama.  If only that were possible.... I have loved our vacation, but my heart swings between guilt and happiness, vascilates between satisfaction and emptiness, relaxes with less all the while wanting more.  The loneliness for my older two is only comforted by the company of my younger two.  My heart is big enough to love all 4, no matter where they are.  How else does this mama drive down a Utah freeway, enjoying the beauty and noise around her while her heart also drives down a Colorado highway towards hometown, hoping that blankies and such weren't left behind in a mountain cabin.  I try to stay present with my smaller family, and still can't wait until I can share all that we have done with the WHOLE family.  Will they feel left out??   Will they want to know where we have been and what we have done??  Will our pictures matter to them?  Will they care asbout videos that star their younger siblings and not them? Today, little sister drew a picture for her 2 big sisters.  "I want to show them what we saw yesterday", she says.  "I know," I empathize.   "I miss them too".  And in a few days, we will conferge will all of our expeiences and we will have show and tell and we will reconect.  Our snuggles will be tigheter, our patience for one-another's imperfections will be greater.  And truthfully, I just can't wait for all of the noise.  I'm so grateful for a husband who understands and provides.  I am blessed to be known and to be loved.