Fear and Love

When I was pregnant with my first baby, I lived in an idealistic world.  I was certain that if I just had the nursery all ready and the diapers all stacked and the clothes all folded, everything else would fall into place.  I would magically know what to do when the baby cried; I would instinctively know all about her needs and her wants, possibly even knowing these things before she even "asked".  My first surprise of motherhood was having a C-section.  I had planned an ordinary birth with no complications, expecting to return home shortly after the birth.  Rather, I had a scheduled birth via C-section and stayed in the hospital for 4 days because this first baby was going to come out her own way... upside down and backwards.  This was my first clue that I wasn't in control of this being a mom thing.  My kid was. 

I have some perfectionistic tendencies about how I should do things and how things should go.  I want to do things right.  I like to do things without mistake.  I enjoy when all of the details of the day line up the way that I need them to.  Well, let's just admit it - The way I WANT them to.  Truthfully, I don't think that this makes me an evil or bad person.  Some will tell me that it does, but I disagree.  Wanting things a certain way causes me to be organized, meet deadlines, and live a generally un-chaotic life.  So why do I get shamed and blamed for this?  Why do I feel like being a high achiever and having expectations is something I should feel guilty for?  

I've been a mom for 16 years now.  And I am have been poking my head out of my idealistic bubble now for at least the past 6 years - the years that my kids entered double digits.  I'm still learning the same lesson -  that I'm not in control.  But wait... I have to be in control.  People are counting on me to be in control.  My teenagers need me to help with their schedules.  My younger ones need their laundry done and their lunches packed.  Why is there a place where parents can look up grades if parents aren't supposed to care about grades?  Why does my child hand me a permission slip from school needing my signature to leave on a school bus, and hours later this same child yells at me to stay out of her life?  This is the quandary. The secret to be uncovered.   To BE in control, yet not BE controlling.  To manage the household and the details of the calendar, to remember all of the dates of concerts and games and lessons and practices AND  to never be late and never be tired and grouchy.  To have the meals planned and the uniforms washed, to snuggle and read, to listen and guide.  To BE in control, and yet not BE controlling.  This secret, this balance, can only be discovered for me through daily mediation on scripture.  To seek my direction from God's word, teaching me about patience and humility; reminding me of His Will not my own. 

I shared with another mom a frustrating moment that I had in parenting this week.  I might have mentioned packing one of my child's things and setting them at the front door.  She laughed and said "Thanks for saying that.  Everyone thinks those things, but nobody says them.  Every mom puts on this act that motherhood is easy when really it's the hardest thing any of us have ever done."  Together, we encouraged each other and patted one another's back for making it through another day without a homicide or suicide attempt.  But why?  Why don't we tell it like it is and be truthful? That our feelings are hurt, and our bodies are exhausted, and we're sometimes forgetful, and we're often not present even though we long to be.

I think we don't tell the truth because we're afraid.  I'm afraid.  If I say the dreaded words "I'm failing" or "I can't do this anymore", I risk opening myself up to criticism, to other parents peeking into my home and shaking their heads at me.  I'm afraid that someone will tell me "You're a bad mom".  I'm afraid of disappointing my children and I'm afraid of ruining my children.  I'm afraid that I'm not enough and then I fear that I'm way too much.  I've got to stop allowing fear to be the controller and rather I need to pursue the Prince of Peace as the one who controls my heart and mind. He is the one who reminds me that He CHOSE me to be the mom, handpicked me for these kiddos because He knows that with Him, I am enough, I'm a great mom, I'm doing a good job.  Colossians 3:15 says "Let the Peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And BE THANKFUL."

The end of that verse, after commanding us to allow the Peace of Christ to be in control, gives us another command -  Be thankful.  This is the only way for me to BE in control yet not BE controlling.  If I let Jesus rule, then He is in control, and when I am focused on being thankful my heart will be surrendered to Jesus, recognizing Him as the one who helps, guides, directs, forgives.  In this mind-set, there isn't any room to be afraid.  I can trust my kids to Him, I can trust that He has the past and the future in His hands, I can trust that He is going to work all things out for our good.  These are His promises. They are written for me so that when I have an "at wits end" day of being a mom, I can find my hope in what my Heavenly Father tells me.  He is here, He sees us, He loves us. And...

 "There is no room in love for fear.  Well-formed love banishes fear.  Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment - is one not fully formed in love." 1 John 4:18 MSG

Confessions of a Soccer Mom

Hi.  My name is Heather and I'm a soccer mom.  (I'm also a dance mom, a school mom, a field trip mom... I could go on and on...) 

My son has been playing soccer for about 3 years.  In that short time, I have gathered some thoughts about this game of soccer, my player-son, and myself.  Even though I have very little experience in this role of soccer mom, I feel as if I'm sort of qualified.  Mostly because I have a Team Snap App on my phone, and I have a minivan full of sideline chairs, water bottles, sunscreen and an emergency umbrella. 

Here are my confessions:

1.  There is no difference between competitive teams and non-competitive teams.  It's ALL competitive, every time, every game, every mom, every dad, every player, every coach.  If what you're watching isn't competitive then you must have made a wrong turn at the museum.

2.  Everybody is keeping score.  Even when they say there isn't a score because the boys are too young, and it's only about having fun.  Let me tell you people... NOBODY is having FUN if they are losing.  And EVERYBODY knows who is losing!!!  

3.  Your kid's newly washed uniform will have grass stains on it by the first play.  And the white shirt and shorts that somebody thought was a good idea for your 9 year old BOY will be stained and look grey for the rest of the season.  Nuttin' you can do about it.

4.  If I do not pray before every game, I am doomed. A girl who looks an awful lot like me will be impatient and irritated when the game doesn't look like she thinks it should. I knew that inside of me was a fiercely competitive  person, but I thought that was only when I was playing Scrabble.  Nuh-huh!!!  Oh dear!  Because Michael (player-son) has asked me to not yell his name from the sidelines, I restrain myself (most games).  But boy, it's hard!  It takes supernatural power to make sure that I am affirming and encouraging... even when we are losing or playing poorly. Great character is being built up in myself as I practice self-control, patience, and  unconditional love.  Who would have guessed that the greatest place I would need the Lord's presence is on a grassy field every Saturday afternoon??!

5.  We will be late for game warm-ups.  No matter how hard we try, no matter how early we leave... We will be driving like maniacs and spitting words out like "we should left when I told you" at each other.

6.   No matter how much I like you, if you mess with (harm, criticize, yell at) my son, I will come after you.  I know that I look sweet and gentle, however... The feelings that rise up inside of me when Michael is wronged are CRRRRRAAAAZY!!!

7.  I am proud of my sweet player-son every single time he touches the ball.  I'm so proud of this shy boy to have the strength to go out in front of fans, I love watching his determination, it THRILLS me to watch him cheer on and encourage his teammates.  One game he went over to his best bud and patted him on the back for a great kick -  I had goosebumps all over!!

8.  A good coach makes all the difference.  Our coach gets my player-son to run, to wear sunscreen, to pick up after himself, to give it his all, to respect and honor everyone on the field, to WEAR WHAT HE WANTS HIM TO, to bring specific things to practice.  We are so grateful for the character that is being established in Michael through soccer and our present coach.

9.  You will bring a chair to sit in and watch the game and chances are you won't sit in it.  Either because someone (daughters...) take it from you, or you are just way to into the game to sit down.

10. NOTHING has been more fun than having Michael play soccer.  I love it.  I love every practice that I get to drive him and his buddies to, I love every time I get to wash his uniform, I love packing his snacks and finding him cool cleats and listening to the soccer ball roll around on our hard floors.  I love watching his skills and abilities develop.  I love the friends that we've made through soccer and the high fives that our family makes over great plays.  I love it that Michael's grandpa comes to his games and that his sisters enjoy his games.  My greatest confession of all is that I FEEL SO BLESSED TO BE A SOCCER MOM!!  Go team Henricks!!!

Today

OHHHH!!! Let me tell you about my day!  So much disappointment, betrayal, anger, frustration, sadness... I could go on and on!!!   Oh -  and so much stress!!  And It's only noon!!

Well, actually.  Now I'm convicted.

Maybe I shouldn't tell you about any of those things. 

Because really, my morning has been all about my reaction to these things.  My perspective on these things.  And I started down the path to negativity and darkness, that familiar ledge where hope disappears from sight.  But then I remembered all that I have been learning about my Jesus and His fierce love for me, His steadfast belief in me, His unchanging character during difficult times.

So instead,  I will share with you the only truth that I know and believe with all of my heart.

Hebrews 13:8
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

God is STILL the same God that I poured out my heart to this morning in a quiet moment with just Him and my coffee.  That quiet moment before any of the other people in my world woke up; before my own stumbles;  before the sin of the world got me down. 

He is always the same and can be relied upon no matter what I'm facing.  Even during the deepest disappointments or hurt, this verse from Hebrews is the TRUTH.  Jesus doesn't ever change based on my circumstances. Therefore, I can stop stressing, stop hurting, stop worrying.  

And so.

I will just do the next right thing. 

Which looks a little bit like laundry.