thoughts on a new time

A little over 13 years ago, I was married to a man who walked out on his family. Our children were 2 1/2 and 6 months old.  I begged and pleaded for him to stay, to do the "right thing". He left.  Turns out, the right thing was that we wouldn't be married to each other any more. Experts would probably say that we shouldn't have EVER married.  But we did.   I don't mourn or miss him.  Over the years, I mourned what "should have been" and "what I planned", but I have always believed (and still do) that in man's mess, God can be even bigger.  And God was.  In so many ways.  More ways than I can even write in a single blog post.  Mostly, God chose to give to me and my oldest 2 daughters the gift of our Patrick.  Husband and step-dad extraordinaire.  Add to that our 2 younger children and you have the gift with a BOW on it.  We are blessed.  We were taken care of, not by a man, but by our Father in heaven and for that we are so grateful.

Tonight was new.

Very new.

Because of our parenting plan, I have taken my 2 oldest daughters over to their dads house 2-3 times a week for 12 years.  Tonight, my oldest daughter took she and her sister.  In her car.  She.  Drove.
It has been a strange night for me.  I'm so thankful that I don't have to interrupt our regular life and schedule to drive my older girls over to their dads.  I'm so happy that I don't have to endure how upset and angry they are when they have to go to their dads.  I'm so relieved that I'm "off the hook" from even entering the space of "that world over there".  BUT...

It's what we've known.  Even for my 2 little people - it's what we have always done.  Every Monday and Thursday night... since FOREVER...this is our routine.  Over the years, I've taken the girls to many different places that their dad called "home".  Different addresses, same routine.  And now... we have a new routine.  And it is such a relief.  And SO new.  And so wonderful.  And so terrifying.  How can so many emotions exist at one time???

God's grace has been poured out on us so many times over the last 12 years.  I couldn't recall them all even if I tried.  And here, tonight, is another example of that grace.  The big girls made it to their dad's safely, we at home were awarded peace and calm because we didn't have to rush across town.  It's the end of an era for me.  The place where I longed to be, so many years ago.  Free.  And here we are.

There's a chilled bottle of champagne waiting for me when I embrace what is to be celebrated. Because the bottom line is...
This is good.  Really good. My sweet 16 year old is responsible and capable to drive herself and her sister.  That ALONE is to be celebrated.  

Until then... I will ponder.  And be grateful, SO grateful.

A trippy trip

 

Last weekend, Marky and I went on a little mini-trip to Portland, Oregon. 

The 3 day "Get-away" was a gift for her 16th birthday

and it included just the 2 of us making our way to the Northwest. 

This quote above describes what I got to experience with my daughter while we were away.

 

She has depth.

She is so creative.

She is her very own unique person.

She has tastes that are her own.

She has interests that are quirky and wonderful.

She is her own kind of beautiful.

We shopped - thrift stores, farmers market, specialty boutiques, consignment, Saturday market, and even the Goodwill.

We ate ice cream.

We got pedicures.

We walked.

We laughed about how much Grandma would have hated some of the stores we went into.

We sat in silence.

We chatted.

We tasted yummy food.

We smelled delicious smells.

We marveled at the urban, chic, city-folk. 

 

 I loved being able to focus on just this child,

watching her watch the world.

The lens she looks through

is different than mine.

It was such a joy to see what captured her attention.

What she wanted to buy, what she wanted to capture in a photo,

what made her laugh, what made her think.

 

 Many times during the weekend, I thanked God for the privilege

and delight it is to be her mom.

And her friend.

I asked God to help me love her better. More.

 

And mostly...

 

I just REALLY loved being with her.

 

 

 

 We sat at the counter at this bakery, and we watched this lady build a fire.

She was graceful in her movements and so attentive to her task.

Her beauty held our gaze much longer than we first expected.

It was as if we were momentarily mesmerized by the choreography of her job.

She made it look like a dance.

 

 

 It was a joy to get to know my sweet 16 year old

in a new a different way .

To appreciate our sameness... our differences.

To hope for a happy future for her.

 

 

 

And though she be but little,

She is Fierce.

 

 

November

Its November.  This is a special month for me as the Mama around here because it is the month that I FIRST became a mama (16 years ago!)!  Everything about the month reminds me of those very first feelings of giving birth, having a newborn, being engrossed in the newness of motherhood.

It is a month to be focus on being grateful.  I am so grateful for my life.  It's a life that is a pleasure.  It is a life that requires work and prayer and an attentive heart.  There are days that have the fragrance of joy all over them, and then there are the days that well... they don't.  And for those days, I move deeper into grace and thanksgiving.

I am drawn towards certain Christmas music even during the Thanksgiving season.  I just love
this song, and this one .  This second song reminds me of this walk that I took with my dad when I was a very small child, 3 or 4.  Quite possibly it was on Christmas Eve.  Also possible was that my sister and mom were with us.  All I remember is that we walked in the snow, at night, down to this church that had this nativity scene set up on its front yard.  I remember it being so very cold, possibly snowing, and dark.  And then ... there was moonlight.  The light from the moon was enough to guide us down the uneven sidewalk as we slowly made our way to the manger scene.  The anticipation makes my heart flutter still when I think back.   What I remember the most was how quiet the walk was.  Our destination was the nativity scene that we often drove by, but were going to see up close for the first time.  The moonlight seemed  reverent,  as if the moon itself knew that what we were about to view was sacred.  This song always brings about that memory.  


For some extra special beauty, go here.


I hope that wherever you are at, gratitude is near you.

I find that is helps me change
*my grumpy heart
*a sad spirit
*an overwhelmed schedule
*a dissatisfied longing

Psalm 100:1
"Enter His gates with Thanksgiving and into His courts with praise."