One of the great things about moving along towards the end of my thirties, is that I am getting to know myself and how I "operate" better and better each day. This isn't that big of a deal, except that since my early 20s I have fought myself over who I was and how I did things. I wanted to mimic someone else's way of time-keeping, perform like first chair when I was in second, wished that I even cared to write a to-do list. I've envied that list-making gene that clearly didn't make its way into my pool. I've had my eyes on other people's papers rather than on my own for far too long. It is CLASSIC middle child syndrome, (me too! me too! me too!) wanting what someone else has. You would have thought that I would have grown out of it by now, but no - I still struggle. What is becoming clearer and clearer to me is that the traits that I have wanted to rub off on me aren't the things that God intended for me to have, He intended those gifts for THOSE people. He has other perfect personality traits just for me that He wants me to learn about and love. Now into my 39th year of living, I am finding it so much easier to accept the way that I am, loving the person that God created me to be, rather than fighting it all the time.
For instance... I have spent the last 2 days performing what my dear Dad would call a "batch" on my house. (a batch is the opposite of doing things one at a time). Because of my wrist injury and the inability to move with my cast, there have been things that I haven't been able to do over the past 6 weeks. Added to that list of "can't dos" was the clutter and mess that always comes with the holidays and just the time spent indoors during the winter. I have looked around at the piles of papers and books, the overflowing mess of my junk drawer (which had taken over the drawer next to it as well), the cluttered pantry, the palettes of once-used cheap eye shadow cluttering my bathroom. I've known that this list (a LIST, for pete's sake... I made a LIST!) was just getting longer and longer and I've been waiting for the ooomph (that's what I call it) to come and push me to tackle what I knew needed tackling. Now, nobody else would have known that inside my house I had 3 trashbags (and counting) worth of garbage, mooching off of us, just taking up residence in our house. I keep the house clean and there's a place for everything, including junk and clutter (even THAT looks great in a pretty basket!). HOWEVER... 2 days ago, I GOT TO IT. The oopmh hit and I couldn't be stopped. Hours and hours of organizing and tossing and storing and filing and de-cluttering. Rugs got washed, sheets got changed, cobwebs got attacked, piles got unpiled. I knew that I would get to it, it was just a matter of when the wave would hit me. I am learning about myself that if I write on a list for next Thursday - 1. De-clutter the house - that will be the LAST thing that will get done. I am much more of a wait for the wave of energy to hit me type of a girl. And hit it did, and we got it DONE. Well... maybe not ALL done, but a good chunk of it. For years, though, (YEARS) I have fought this part of my personality. I've told myself that I was "bad" because I was more spontaneous and implusive than my type A friends; "less than" because my written to-do list was blank; "not as good" because I couldn't stick to a plan but wanted to make the plan up as I went along. NO MORE... I have seen that BOTH personalities have their place. That an ENFP has just as much value as an ESTJ (Meyers-Briggs personality categories). I can be spontaenous AND valuable. I can embrace my "wait for it" wave and ride it with pride that this is a good thing about who I am.
Our new camera broke. It spent New Years at the repair shop, I'm sure whooping it up, setting reolutions and making goals to never break again. It came back yesterday. Now I will have pictures to post, so you don't just have to read my ramblings.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
It started out as a "get away" As in - I want to get away from home and stay away until home looks like it should. Home is all 6 if us there. All 4 of my children, HOME, right where they belong. But... for a few days, where they belong is not where they are. They are away and SO... My sweet Patrick planned a tritp to take the "rest of us" out of town so what we could be away from what is normal as well. He wanted to take us somewhere new, where we could experience fun hikes, beautiful scenery, and continue the collection of stamps in our passport books. Also take us to a place that would distract this mama. If only that were possible.... I have loved our vacation, but my heart swings between guilt and happiness, vascilates between satisfaction and emptiness, relaxes with less all the while wanting more. The loneliness for my older two is only comforted by the company of my younger two. My heart is big enough to love all 4, no matter where they are. How else does this mama drive down a Utah freeway, enjoying the beauty and noise around her while her heart also drives down a Colorado highway towards hometown, hoping that blankies and such weren't left behind in a mountain cabin. I try to stay present with my smaller family, and still can't wait until I can share all that we have done with the WHOLE family. Will they feel left out?? Will they want to know where we have been and what we have done?? Will our pictures matter to them? Will they care asbout videos that star their younger siblings and not them? Today, little sister drew a picture for her 2 big sisters. "I want to show them what we saw yesterday", she says. "I know," I empathize. "I miss them too". And in a few days, we will conferge will all of our expeiences and we will have show and tell and we will reconect. Our snuggles will be tigheter, our patience for one-another's imperfections will be greater. And truthfully, I just can't wait for all of the noise. I'm so grateful for a husband who understands and provides. I am blessed to be known and to be loved.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Joy
