Monday, March 16, 2015

To live or not to live

I've decided that the opposite of living isn't dying.  Rather, the opposite of living is...  not living.  Simple as that.  And truthfully, there are days when I "don't live".  Days when I choose to sink deeper into a pit of frustration or disappointment.  There are moments that I could choose to see the good and I don't; times when I focus on what's wrong instead of what's right.  After a few days of not living, I'm so sick of myself that I wouldn't want to be around myself if I wasn't me!  HA!  And so, I do an about face and head in the opposite direction of not living, and I head right for living.

Did you know its a choice?  Every. Single. Time.  I choose it, it never chooses me.  Nobody clears the schedule of turmoil and frustration and presents me with a perfect day for living.  Nope.  I have to get knee deep in the training and instruction of my children, the disappointments in myself and others, the limitations of time, money. and energy.  And I have to choose.  Some days, choosing to live has to be faked at first.  Because, let's be honest.  It's not always easy to make this choice. So I ACT like I want to LIVE and do you know what eventually happens? After about 10 minutes, the role I'm playing loses it's fake-ness , and instead turns into a part that feels familiar and good.

It's peculiar to me. all of this pretending.  And what do I ever gain from it?  The answer is nothing. Nothing but more not living.  That's not beneficial for any of us.   I just want to have real conversations with real people about real things.  I want to cry when life hurts and laugh when it doesn't.   I want to try to face hard things even when I feel like faking it.  I want to share rather than keep quiet.  I want to to ask for help and support when I'm in need.

When you choose to live, you choose to feel pain, you risk bruising and bleeding.  But that's what bandages are for.  The bandages of good friends, making memories, laughter, sharing great food, joining together in joy-filled family activities.  All of these things will help to bind up any wounds that living causes.  And I would exchange all of these for one moment spent not living.  Wouldn't you?

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