*Mother's Day*

Ever since I was a little girl, and the option of being something other than a little girl was pressented to me in the form of the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I have wanted to be a mom.  I really had no idea what all that involved, but I knew that my mom was happy, and busy, and that she made us good food and set out clean clothes for us and with all of the other possibilities seeming to be somewhat dull and boring, MOM is what  the future held.

It was a good decision, wanting to be a mom.  I admit that my ideals were less than realistic at first, but as experience goes, motherhood has taught me that hard isn't equal to bad, and wonderful isn't equal to forever.  Absorbing each moment as it comes, tinged with excitement and optimism or blurred by frustration and anger, is the truly the only way to travel along the mommy road.  As each day presents itself to me, I get to choose how I respond to my children.  Deep down, I know this is a privelege.   However, if I'm honest,  in the shallow parts of my selfish heart  I can get impatient with the demands and sometimes I miss out.  I look at too big of a picture and I get overwhelmed, or I bite off teeny tiny bites and micro-manage a situation to death.  And then I remind myself that BOTH perspectives are important and I ground myself into the one word that I as a mom realize I have been chasing down for the last 13 1/2 years.  BALANCE.  It is the master plan for this mom.  The big enchilada that I am forever baking.

Too often, I get bogged down with the details, frustrated and pained with the monotony and ordinary-ness of telling my kids to put their shoes away, or reminding them to brush their teeth for the 4th time.   And although that's not one of the more exciting aspects of my job, it is part of it.  It can't be about shopping and creating and dinner parties all the time.   


Homework and guidelines, schedules and routines; these are necessary for keeping order in our house.   But rather than let the rules rule our lives, I want balance to be the leader. To learn when to let the rules lax in order that fun might have it's happy place. 

 I am learning more and more how to open my eyes in order to catch moments with my kids to teach,  train,  love and enjoy them.  To selflessly give rather than selfishly take; to comfort a crying daughter when I would rather read my book; to listen rather than offer my opinions; to assist in the clean up of a messy room rather than give orders. 

If I could go back to more than a decade ago and have coffee with my  scared- out- of- my- mind, excited- with- every- part- of -my- being, having-no-idea-what-to-expect-yet-expecting-so-much pregnant self, I would tell me to:

*enjoy being a mom
*write everything down - what you did, how you felt, what your kiddies were doing
*take more pictures
*remember that nothing lasts forever - good or bad
*keep every friend you have and make more - you will need them ALL. 
*never stop praying for God's power to sustain you, His strength to uplift you, and His wisdom to guide you.   


    marky was doing meredith's makeup for their dance recital

I was born to be a mom.  I believe that with every cell of my body.  It is my calling, and I love being a mom.  Some days sparkle with laughter and love and happy attitudes for all of us.  Other days are gloomy and clouded with hardships and cranky hearts.  And if I could take myself out for coffee today I would tell me...

*enjoy being a mom
*write everything down - what you did, how you felt, what your kiddies were doing
*take more pictures
*remember that nothing lasts forever - good or bad
*keep every friend you have and make more - you will need them ALL.
*never stop praying for God's power to sustain you, His strength to uplift you, and His wisdom to guide you.

 

I am surrounded by incredible moms.  All of my friends who are moms - single, married, working, staying home, sick, well, happy, sad, moms of babies and moms of teens,  -  YOU are the most amazing women that I know.    You sacrifice, you persevere, you enjoy, you endure.  You are each a gift and a blessing to your children, and you teach me so much. Not a day goes by that I don't learn something from YOU.  Happy Mother's Day.  I honor and appreciate you.


   

Sometimes, you agree to accompany a child on a school field trip out of persuasion, or guilt, or desire, or at least a small combo package of all three.  There are also times when you just really want to be with your kid, and so you sign on the dotted line, pay your $12 and mark the day on the calendar with a red X.  Today, I went to the Denver Zoo with Michael's kindergarten class.

 100 five and six year olds from our school descended on the zoo in their green t-shirts.  My reasons for going today were less about being persuaded or begged, and more about playing the part of an investigator.  I wanted to see if he has really learned everything that he needs to know about life in kindergarten.  My curiosity had been piqued to know where certain expressions on his face came from and where he picked up "those phrases".  And who IS this girl who chases him at recess and tells him she loves him??  I just needed a little bit of a glimpse into his kindergarten world so off to the zoo I went.

I really wanted to see Michael with his classmates and with his teachers outside of school.  I kept a close eye on his manners and how he treated others, all things a good mama wants to know her child has really learned from her.  However, what choked me up and encouraged me today, were the things that he did naturally that I didn't teach him.  There are things about my boy that are natural; sides to his character that are sweet and caring that weren't ever taught by me.  Tenderness and kindness that you don't learn from a book or a lecture (by mom or a teacher).  His instincts to be out in front of everyone, leading everyone down the path were strong; his very sensitive side to be wronged or offended palpable.     

  

He was born with a super, rockstar smile, and he laughs and has so much fun with his friends.  He is quite competitive yet  leads his peers with quiet influence. His classmates look up to him to take the next step.   

It was such a joy to spend the day with my almost first grader.  He's got what it takes to be one.  Kindergarten has done him well.  

God is crafting a man out of my son.  He's going to be a great one.

Springy

I love pulling up to my house these days.  I love seeing the happy daffodils decorating the front yard.  I forget, while I'm away, that spring has arrived.  When I drive into the driveway,  a reminder is shouted out to me by the tulips and the buds on the trees.   What a beautiful season, spring.  Its about new and old; what's been under the ground coming back to life and all that has been dormant unleashed for new growth.  We planted a few seeds last weekend.  The kids were excited to be a part of the planning but were more thrilled to get caught up in the action.  Eating peas out of the garden, cooking with herbs from my pots, watering the soil watching intently for the first sign of life.  Spring is not just a season for us... it's an activity!! 

A few days ago, I took a long walk out in an open prairie.  It is actually called "open space".  As I was walking, I pondered for a few minutes the wonder of OPEN space.  In my mind, in my schedule, in my home, in my heart.  Life gets filled up so quickly and that is just a fact. The hours of the day have appointments scheduled in them, the calendar slots have reminders written down.  Sometimes it seems like my head and my heart begin to imitate this picture.  I get in too much of a hurry to feel pain or pleasure, it all comes in as the same emotion.  I don't take the time to  recognize God's provision or celebrate the fulfillment of a promise. It has become apparent that open space is something that I need to build into the landscape of my life. 

So all week long, I have been trying to make choices that would begin that building process.  This hunt for open space has been a pleasant one; not one that will end this week but will be something that I keep working on.  Yesterday, I got a sweet message from a friend.  I'm sure she has no idea that I was feeling insecure and lapped up her words as water to my dry soul.  She was just being kind, but God knew that I was on the verge of a pity-dripping party and that her encouragement would lift me up out of.  She opened up space for me to hope.  Progress in my little guy's reading and challenges accepted by a daughter finishing up elementary school further that hope.  As I open up space in my world, the space doesn't feel empty, it feels ready.  Ready for whatever God has for me.  Maturity, growth, what is unknown and what is familiar.  One step at a time. 

I'm trying to make friends with our new camera.  Up until now, I've been afraid of all of the buttons and modes.  Today, I'm less afraid and with a little knowledge and anticipation I'm rarin to go.  I begged Michael if I could take some pics of him in 2 new t-shirts that I made him.  He shocked me and very willingly smiled for me.  Of course sister had to get in on the action.  It was fun practicing some of what I learned at a photography class that I took last week.  Knowing that I didn't learn enough, I signed up for session 2.  I love thinking that I could actually take a decent picture soon.  I sure have cute subjects to practice on!!