“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.”
― Mary Jean Irion
Nearly 3 months after my last post, I sit here in my comfy chair, warmed by the sun, thinking back on all that we've been through in this short period of time.
Grief has made it's way into my life and seeped into every crack of my heart. Tears flow regularly, lubricating the emotions that I feel. I don't think that the grief I'm experiencing is a bad thing. "There is a time for everything..." It's just that I'm usually not someone who spends a lot of time feeling ONE THING, and lately, all I feel is this overwhelming sadness over this interruption into our lives; this diagnosis that changes how care-free my daughter can live. Grief has watered seeds of fear that haven't sprouted in years, causing anxiety that I long ago put out of my life. It's also caused me to loosen the possessive "mom-grip" that I tend to have on my kids, knocking out all insane notions that I am in any way in control of anything. Daily, I am challenged to let go of my fears and to trust God in ways that I should have been all along. I read scripture that reminds me that He loves us and is watching over my kids. I find myself time and time again throughout the day bringing my concerns to the Lord, seeking His strength and His peace.
It's not all bad to have the depths of your heart woken up a bit. It's a great thing to seek comfort in God's word and to trust more fully in His presence and His promises. Desperation makes me cry out even more to my Heavenly Father and His perfect peace never fails when I choose to bring myself honestly and fully to Him. It's been a blessing to come together with Patrick in our collective thoughts and feelings about our girl, Maddie. To have him as my partner in the good AND hard of life is one of the best ways that God has ever shown His love to me. I have found great peace in music and in rest.
These are the good things that come from leaning into the feelings that have accompanied this unexpected life-change. Admittedly, I long to move through the stages of grief more quickly and to set up camp in Acceptance. I feel like here is where I will be able to relax and hang out with less sadness. However, I know there is value to each step of this journey, so for now, I'm willing to just take the next right step.
Maddie is a strong warrior who is walking down this path set out before her with such strength and such poise. She is brave and capable and most of all, full of laughter and life. I admire her capacity to take in this unexpected and challenging hardship and still live life with an abundance of joy.
Normal days are becoming more normal again. So often, I have taken them for granted. But now, I'm just grateful for them. Over the last few months we've had days of soccer, Sunday afternoon fishing trips, a fantastic Spring Break trip to Moab, and Patrick and I even got away for a quick trip to SF. Life is not perfect or easy, but it is most certainly beautiful and one to be treasured.
Psalm 71
