June

This morning, Facebook re-told me the story of  June.  It showed pictures and words that highlighted the events that I had decided were worth mentioning.  A slideshow of happy faces and pretty places was on display, reminding me of how much fun the month was.  And the truth is that the month WAS great.  and yet... I also knew that it wasn't ALL great.  I knew the truth that we had endured some moments in June that didn't get posted; hours spent in places that I wanted to hide from the world. I had cried countless tears,  and prayed innumerable un-posted prayers.

 Social media is an interesting thing.  On the one hand, it keeps a record of the wonderful moment we have.  It holds the memories of what we felt worthy of sharing.  What isn't posted, doesn't get shared; in fact it's as if it never happened.    But that doesn't mean it didn't, doesn't mean we don't remember.  We just bear it without audience.  Many times, I will be with a girlfriend and she will mention something I posted and ask a question or make a comment.  But where is the platform to share the un-postable stuff?  The things that nobody would want to press "like" on.  I find myself staying silent more than I want to.  Keeping the hard things close to my chest.  It isn't that I want people to only think that my life is grand, or delude folks into thinking that my days go by trouble-free.  Surely, we are all better in touch with reality than that.  But I think that I imagine sharing my sad heart and then I entertain the thought that in sharing my burden I will experience rejection.  Sadly, this has happened before, and in the back of my self-protective mind I hear "You're too much... You're too sad... You're too... TOO."  So I stay quiet with only my thoughts to accompany the moments that don't deserve a "like", wishing that I didn't feel TOO much; hoping that I'm wrong when I do actually send the text that says... " Please pray - I'm hurting".

Don't get me wrong... in the last month I HAVE sent the SOS text, I HAVE made the phone call hollering "HELP"!!  I have first-responder -folks, and I am eternally grateful.  But as I walk out my front door into the real world, I feel like I need protected.  Protection from what people THINK life is like, unless they know.  Protection from the assumptions and the ideals. Protection from my own disappointment from the truth that life isn't what I thought it would be.  As I read one of my favorite passages, Psalm 121, I find that the Lord Himself is that protection.  It says

"The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

I read a post on Instagram that challenged me.  It was a picture of medical supplies that live in this dad's house, supplies that help his sick son to take breaths.  In this post, highlighting the medical supplies sitting in his kitchen, the writer said...

 "These are not the scenes in life you plan for, but if you stop trying to control them, they'll tell you how they are beautiful."

While I am not yet as progressed as this dad, I am daily trying to be thankful for the unplanned scenes in my life. Interrupted sleeps, trips to the ER, heartaches and heart breaks.   I'm not great with the unplanned, with things that take me by surprise.  I prefer some prep-time for most of life.   I'm behind in my goal to be "ok" with things; chastising myself that I should feel better by now.  But if only you could see my efforts.  I am trying, hoping, asking for God's strength to carry me even in the things that are unplanned by me.  

Deuteronomy 31:8
The Lord Himself goes before you (PREPARATION!!)
and will be with you.
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid;
Do not be discouraged."